After spending literally… minutes, painstakingly sifting through a plethora of data-trends and post-match chalkboards within the football league, The Dubious Goals Committee has carefully collated and published a number of groundbreaking statistics that cannot be fabricated elsewhere.
This month’s find includes Bendtner and Barca, Misogynistic Messrs, Beckham’s baby moniker and Randy’s yard sale.
- With Barcelona’s relentless pursuit of Cesc Fabregas reaching full force, Arsene Wenger is set to pay 2 million pounds for a forged scientific document which proves that ‘Barca DNA’ is also present in Nicklas Bendtner and Emmanuel Eboue.
- Stoke City’s recent offer of £16 million for Birmingham City’s Scott Dann was refused last month and the Potters have been asked to significantly improve their offer. Stoke have returned offering £16 million for Scott Dann and Cameron Jerome.
- The recent Women’s World Cup has broken a record for the most complaints ever recorded for a sporting event. Curiously 99% of these have come from either a Mr Keys or Mr Gray.
- In the recent FIFA World Rankings, England have been placed 4th.
- After the arrival of Alex Mcleish and the departures of Ashley Young and Stewart Downing, Randy Lerner is considering the sale of the goal posts that Villa will be shooting into next season and the stands that the home fans would normally occupy.
- In an attempt to prove to Samir Nasri that he should stay at the club, Arsene Wenger is resigned to selling Cesc Fabregas and is making no effort to sell Andrei Arshavin. Presumably Wenger will also pay over the odds for Joey Barton, re-sign William Gallas and repeatedly punch and kick Samir and his family in their faces until he comes to a decision.
- Liverpool are trying to sign Marco Bueno, who has been labelled ‘the next Javier Hernandez’ – a player who has had one good season in the Premiership. They are also after Jose Pinto who has been labelled ‘the next Marco Bueno’ and Manuel Olazabal labelled ‘the next Jose Pinto’. They are all central midfielders.
- Several football websites are reporting the shocking news that Steve Kean has been unimpressed with El Hadji Diouf’s attitude in pre-season. I would like to report that Steve Kean is also unimpressed with jamming his finger in a door, standing on something wet in his socks and Al-Qaeda.
- The story behind the middle name of the Beckham’s newest child has emerged this morning. Victoria asked David if he could think of any names. David replied “Yes, seven” To which Victoria replied “That’ll do”. Though yet unconfirmed, it is believed that the seven names David could think of were Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc, Sneezy and Rooney.
- After the recent success of Owen Hargreaves YouTube video proving his fitness, his ex-Man Utd team mates have been jumping on the video-sharing bandwagon. Dimitar Berbatov has filmed himself doing household chores to prove he is still alive. At training, Nemanja Vidic goes mental with a baseball bat to prove he can foul in the area and have a penalty awarded against him, whilst Ryan Giggs can be seen sitting down for dinner with another footballer’s wife to prove he can last 7 minutes 36 seconds without jumping her.
For other made-up statistical delight, go to Little Matt’s Stats