1. All of The Dubious Goals Committee decisions are final.
2. At all times, the five members of The Dubious Goals Committee will vote democratically on the ‘dubious goal’ thus resulting in a decision every time.
2.1 All members of The Dubious Goals Committee must give a reason for their decision
2.1.1 Loyalty to certain clubs are ALWAYS allowed to influence decisions
2.1.1a Hatred towards certain players, whatever the reason, can take precedence over Clause 2.1.1
3. In the interest of positivity, we would like to award the goal to people who fully deserve it, we want some time for Championship Manager
3.1 If the ball is struck by an attacking player and is deemed by The Dubious Goals Committee to be ‘goal bound’ before a deflection from an opposition player, then the goal should be awarded to the attacking player, as the deflection is deemed not to have influenced the shot reaching the goal.
3.1.1 Unless the ball hits Jamie Carragher, then the automatic awarding of an own goal to Carragher will take precedence over the clauses above.
3.1.1a Richard Dunne will take precedence over Jamie Carragher in all instances
3.2 If a shot is deemed by The Dubious Goals Committee to be going wide and a deflection by a defending player alters the trajectory of the ball significantly to cause it to nestle in the ‘onion bag’, an own goal shall be attributed to the defending player who got the last touch.
3.2a Clause 3.2 can be altered in accordance with Rule 2.1.1 and Rule 2.1.1a
3.3 All shots from Emile Heskey will be deemed to have taken a deflection and thus result in the awarding of an own goal.
3.3.1 The own goal shall be attributed in the following order, whichever is applicable:
3.3.1a Richard Dunne (as per Clause 3.1.1a)
3.3.1b Jamie Carragher (as per Clause 3.1.1)
3.3.1c The Dubious Goals Committee’s most disliked player on the opposing team
3.3.1d The player that actually deflected the shot
3.3.1e The player closest to deflecting the shot
3.3.1f The goal keeper for suffering the embarrassment of Heskey scoring against him
4. The Dubious Goals Committee abides by rules offcially ratified by World Governing Body FIFA
4.1 In accordance with FIFA ratified rules, any infringement such as a foul or handball in the penalty area by a defending player, will result in a penalty to the attacking side.
4.1.1 In accordance with Premier League ruling, Clause 4.1 will be upheld unless the defender’s name is Nemanja Vidic or John Terry
5. A ‘goal’ should be awarded by The Dubious Goals Committee when the ball fully crosses the goal line.
5.1 A goal is sometimes awarded when the ball has not fully crossed the goal line
5.1.1 This is largely dependent on:
5.1.1a The competency of the officials
5.1.1b The competency of Heurelho Gomes
5.1.1c If it was Frank Lampard who shot
6.1 If an attacking player’s shot is subject to more than one deflection, then we really need a cup of tea and a biscuit to decide what to do.
6.1.1 Consideration should be given to the following criteria:
a) if the original shot was on target or not
b) if the first deflection would have taken it towards or away from goal
c) if the second and subsequent deflections, perhaps in a pinball manner, would have taken the ball towards or away from goal
d) if Jamie Carragher was involved at all
e) if Ricahrd Dunne was on the pitch
f) if Sepp Blatter’s goal line cameras could have taken up so much space the ball would not physically fit through the remaining space in the net
7: An goal is deemed an ‘own goal’ if a defending player deflects the ball past the goalkeeper, when the ball was initially travelling towards the goalkeeper forcing him to make a ‘routine save’… i.e straight at him/her. Clause 7 stands unless:
7.1 Said goalkeepers are Heurelho Gomes or Robert Green, for whom there is no such thing as a ‘routine save’
8 If an attacking player’s goal bound shot is deflected by a team mate, intentionally or accidentally, and the deflection results in a goal, then the goal shall be awarded to the attacking player who got the last touch on the ball. There is no guarantee the original shot would have gone in, you say it would but (have you seen what happened to the pigeon), you can’t legislate for this sort of thing. Clause 8 stands unless:
8.1 An attacking deflection by Jamie Carragher shall be ignored and the goal awarded to the attacker who had the original shot
8.2 Same for Emile Heskey
8.3 Rule 2.1.1a can take precedence over Clause 8 as shown in Rule 8.1 and 8.2
8.4 Unless the flight path of the ball is altered by said deflection by the FIFA ratified amount of at least 10 degrees
8.5 (The Pippo Inzaghi Clause) A goal can be chalked off the attacking player who got the deflection if they celebrate too much simply for getting a tiny little touch, and stealing the goal from a team mate – especially if they knew nothing about the deflection or they were trying to get out of the way of the shot. They should be embarrassed to claim a goal for simply standing in the way of a teammate’s shot in the first place.